Research Proves Pizza Saves Lives

Abstract:
I missed doing research, so I conducted some this weekend.  I studied the relationship between eating pizza and feeling like death the morning after a night out with friends.  Yeah, I said STUDY.  It was like a legit scientific thingy!  To prove it, I am writing this like an actual research article (and also like a snark, I realize that; it is what makes it fun).  

Introduction:
On several really awful mornings (the ones that directly followed really epic nights), I was told that maybe I would not feel so terrible if I had bothered to eat something the night before, instead of just drinking my dinner.  Curious about this folk remedy, the researcher (me) decided to conduct an experiment to see if there was any quantitative merit to this suggestion.  

Review of Literature:
Honestly, the only things that I read before or during this study were some emails, a series of text messages about going to the bar, and I also looked at Facebook a couple of times.  But yeah, they made a pretty sound argument for why I should go out both nights.  I didn't read anything about pizza. 

Methods:
Methodology for this study could be described as something like an experiment.  Two conditions were presented to the subject.  In both conditions, pizza was present but the subject (also me) was free to decide whether or not to eat the pizza.  In condition one, the subject chose not to eat the pizza and instead only had some chips to offset the alcohol she inevitably consumed.  In condition two, the subject drank an equal (or possibly even greater--totally should have measured that, damn it) amount of alcohol but chose to eat pizza as well.

Subject: 
Even though it is totally unethical, the researcher was also the subject in this experiment.  Permission was obtained in the form of various signed receipts for drinks, so yeah, it's not like the subject didn't know what was going on.  Plus lots of good gothic horror stories start with a scientist who, because of the incredibly sensitive nature of his work, cannot conduct his experiments on another human and so is forced to sacrifice himself in the name of knowledge.  I am guessing most of those guys felt a lot like I did--brave, intelligent, like someone beat them with a stick and sucked all the fluid out of their systems...stuff like that.

Analysis:
Statistical differences were measured by counting how many steps I could take upon getting out of bed before that "Oh what the hell" feeling hit me.  Other measures included how much gatorade was necessary to normal out my system, and a qualitative assessment of how close to death I believed myself to be.

Results:
So, turns out that the local folk remedy actually works.  I feel way better today than I did at this time yesterday.  Like, a ton better.  So yeah, that is indisputable scientific evidence that pizza saves lives.  Well, my life anyway.  But I bet it works for other people, too.  I'll do some follow-up.   

Future Applications and Opportunities for Additional Research:
Hopefully I can remember these findings the next time I go out.  I think that I will also have to research the efficacy of some other night time drunk snacks.  I already know that a tater-tot : dino-nugget combination works pretty well.  But now I need to find out it they work better than pizza, and how would I feel on nachos?  What about french fries with cheese sauce?  So many questions!!    

Conclusion:
The researcher (still me) wants to thank my two co-collaborators, The Two R's, without whom this study would not have been possible.  Mostly because they supplied the booze and pizza, and tons of fun.  So thanks guys.  I hope the pizza saved you, too.