Friday, February 4, 2011

Vampires are for Suckers

Today I took a stroll through the aisles of Target, as I am known to do.  For whatever reason, I wandered through the books; I was maybe just trying to get some ideas for my Kindle.  Well.  I turned a corner and was confronted by a wall of vampire books.  A WALL OF VAMPIRE BOOKS.  And I thought, "This has just gone too far."

I will admit that once, when I was a tween (except it was so long ago that we were still called kids), I read my fair share of vampire books.  By which I mean any and all in publication.  I had a thing for the undead.  I saw every vampire movie--even the terrible ones--about a thousand times.  I would carefully study my canine teeth in the bathroom mirror at night, willing them to morph into fangs.  Yes, I loved Angel, and I watch Bones now just hoping that David Boreanaz will sleep with Brennan, lose his soul, and go all bad ass on everyone.  Do I love Gary Oldman for his role as Dracula more than that of Sirius Black?  You can't ask me to make that choice; those are totally different genres.  But the short answer is a firm most likely.

But here is the thing: that was about 20 years ago.  Then there were all those Ann Rice novels, which were great, but we all sort of got the whole vampire thing out of our systems when Tom Cruise played one, right?  It definitely ruined it for me. 

Except it didn't.  Because then that woman wrote that series that we all read (yes you know which one I mean and don't try to pretend you did not read all four of those books you liar), and everyone got all obsessed with vampires again.  Now there are about fifteen different series of vampire books; there is an HBO series; there are movies and TV shows.  Have you been to the mall lately?  Of course not--you are an adult.  But if you had been, you would know that Hot Topic is practically vomiting vampiristic nonsense, and so is everywhere else.  It is out of control.  Given this resurgence I actually have to conclude that vampires live forever.  And I, for one, have had enough.

Because I have to ask: why vampires?  What the hell is so special about a bunch of pointy-toothed, sickly pale, undead guys?  You know who deserves way more attention?  Werewolves.

I know a lot of you might be saying "What about Zombies?"  But here is the thing with zombies: they are rock f**king stupid.  Seriously.  Try having a conversation with one sometime; all you get is "Graaahhhhh" and occasionally "Bwains...." Unbearably stupid.

Werewolves, on the other hand, are amazing.  Let's take a look at the evidence:

First of all, there's this guy (which should be enough for anyone):

Okay, yes, technically he is a shapeshifter (which you knew because you DID read all the books).  But it makes my point.  Unlike skinny, pale vampires, werewolves are hot, and ripped, and can get a tan on a tropical vacation if you so choose.  And I do.

If that is not enough, then what about this:  Remus Lupin.  Not as hot as wolf-boy, but brilliant and funny and saves Harry Potter's skinny behind a number of times.  Also, the picture I chose is no accident:

He is bad ass in his own quiet, British way and you should love him for it.

Finally, there is this guy:
Also not really a werewolf, but seriously: look at that hair!  And I did say I was going to find a way to add him to every post from now on (until baseball starts, and then it will be Beckett).

Aside from wanting to post all these pictures, I do have a point: we need to get past our vampire obsession and learn what wonderful things await us with werewolves!  For too long, we have been transfixed with the blood suckers (which is one of their powers--never make eye contact with a vampire).  Part of this stems from how werewolves are portrayed by the media.  Take Being Human (now a SyFy channel show but originally made for the BBC, like everything good): the premise is that a vampire and a werewolf are housemates.  Guess which one is dark, brooding, and ridiculously hot.  That's right, the vampire; meanwhile the werewolf is a super dork who can't get a girl to save his life.  Even in "that book series" the wolf-boy is nice but come on, she writes in out of the picture as soon as Cedric, I mean Edward, shows up again.  Weak.

Look, I get it: we have all been infatuated with vampires,  But it is time to move on.  No more lurking in the shadows at night, no more tween books with the word "blood" in the title, no more avoiding tropical vacations because your boyfriend will either turn into dust or sparkle so brightly you go blind (depending on what version of vampire you subscribe to).  The next time you are out, and see that wicked cute but shy guy looking at you across the room, don't write him off as un-undead.  Go talk to him; you might find he is a super nice guy and you have lots in common.  Turns out you both love bunnies, and moonlit walks, and biscuits! And if you can make it through your first lunar cycle together without getting eaten, all the better.     


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